What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He resisted the act ,that day.

I don,t even have a pension.

I was very sick at this time too.

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I know ,a lot about trauma.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I have no regrets .

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I will be 64.

How or where can I get any kind of books online for free?

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Is it common for girlfriends to have close male friends who are single and not related to them?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

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I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Would this be the day?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Especially a lifetime of it.

When she asked me how she looked .

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We were not on the streets..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

We all went to grammer schools

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She loved him until the end.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He knew the spot.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

She married twice! .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

She found it foreign!.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I said to her

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

As i do to all so called friends.?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I was scared of men, in general

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

It was going to be , some day.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I was seconnd youngest,

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I could never make a relationship work though!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But, we were locked up after school.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I think the readers, may guess!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

(And it was in our own minds.)

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

She was in good health!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Ive learnt so much.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Who then, do I blame.?

This is soul school!.

My family never makes their pension either.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She wouldn,t have been !

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

So, i spoilt her more .

I never cut or harmed myself..

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

They are buried together, in the same grave..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

All the time i was locked up.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Put me off passion for life!!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Im still living with it.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

So whats the point in blame.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Why did i forgive my father ?

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I waited trembling.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Comes on , in middle age.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I was 9 years of age.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I write beautiful poetry .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

But ive been too sick for many years..

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

And i lived it daily.

But it wasn’t much.

What did i know ?

My life is so biszare .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

One cannot live in the past .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..